Its been a very long time since I wrote anything on this blog. I guess I get into ruts and then I get into laziness and that bleeds into a deep since of, "I don't know what to write," and then it all becomes one giant mess of things. Needless to say, for all those who have forgotten this exist, I will try to be more persistent in posting.
I am really unsure of what to write at the moment. There seems to be so many things that are twirling around in my brain that I forget how to think at times. This summer was an interesting set of events. I don't know how anyone else feels but I seemed to run around from thought to thought and event to event, I never really stopped and enjoyed what the summer offered. I tend to do that in life. I get so locked into looking into the future and making plans that I constantly forget the joy of today. I guess I feel like I did a lot but didn't experience all the things that I truly wanted to experience. It was as if I was a tornado that had a set path and was going to get to my destination despite all the destruction I may bring.
There were moments that I truly enjoyed and moments that I sincerely missed the joy. I loved working on the play but I fear that I was so caught up in getting everything right, scheduling practices, getting set pieces and all the other logistics, that I missed the very people I was directing. I missed deeper relationships. I missed chances to let them speak and me listen. I missed opportunities to share truth and love. I enjoyed MFuge but I was so determined to be respected and so determined to not get run over that I came across, to borrow the term, like a JERK. I got bent out of shape over things that were not a big deal. I yelled, I personally hate yelling, but I did. It's just hard to balance that line between discipline and abuse of power. I would respond to people and then get so mad at myself because I don't want that to be the lasting impression I leave on someone's soul. I had a wonderful intern who I wish I could have invested more in him. "The Snake," as I like to call him, has such vast opportunities, gifts, abilities, and I don't know if I helped him at all. There were days I went home from work and felt like I wasted his whole day. I didn't mean to, maybe I didn't, I just felt like I did.
This is not intended to be a pity party for my weary soul. I tend to over analyze and overly critique myself. That's just a part of who I am. I guess what I am really trying to say is that if we spend our lives focusing on the goal and forget the journey, the achievement of the goal tends to lose its luster. It because tarnished brass that has been beaten on by our focused driven fists.
8 comments:
Wow... I feel like that so much in life Josh. And it really makes a point to me, I have to slow and enjoy things that I'm doing... Not enjoy planning and thinking about the things that I'm going to be doing... But What I'm doing at that very moment. This would explain a lot of things that are going on in my life right now. I guess the best question to ask is, how do you and I get to a place where we have a good balance of the two? Planning, and enjoyment of precious moments we've been wanting to have?
That seems to be the million dollar question. I am really not sure. I try take deep breathes, not literally, and enjoy the moments around me. I think at times I am just too driven. Maybe the issue is that we have forgotten what it means to relax and takes things slow as a whole. Our society pushes us to move and never stop. I just want to know how one can slow down, enjoy the view but then not lose their grasp on whats going on, all while keeping up with the craziness known as life.
Same here buddy. I mean I can't believe I'm a senior already. It just doesn't seem right. I am one of the world's worst at doing everything there is to do. I mean, I dropped stuff this year so I wouldn't be so busy, but then I put myself in other things that filled that hole back up. I don't know if I'm on the right track with what y'all are talking about. lol.. But I try to plan ahead with goals too. I think maybe my mind wants to be busy so I can push God aside. That's not what I want to do, but sometimes I get caught up in whatever I'm doing I "forget" about God. Like you're in control, you can do whatever you want to, and everything's going to work out perfectly. That million dollar question that David brought up.. I got to a place this summer when I actually had time to breathe, when there was enjoyment. It's bitter-sweet really. But when my Granny died. I knew she was going to die at some time during the Summer, but I didn't want her to die when I was scheduled to go somewhere, or I was set to do something fun, or be one of God's instrument. But she died around the time of mission trip this year. And I know this is bad, but I was SELFISH. I wanted to go. I went last year and I had such a blast and enjoyed seeing God move. But after the funeral, and after my friends I love went to Waco, I wanted to be with someone. I wanted to be with my friends. But how can you be with your friends when all of them are gone. That's when I realized it wasn't my friends I was supposed to be with, but my family. My dad, the toughest, sweetest, whole-hearted, never quiting, working with everything in him, loving man I know NEEDED me. He needed me. Just being there for him really helped him cope with things. Family, cousins, and even my great-grandma worshiping and singing praises to God, after my granny had passed away, that my friend was one of the precious moments of my summer. Seeing Granny's mother, my great-grandmother, not falling apart, but being put back together by her family, that was a joy for me. I think that's when we have these precious moments. I got out of my routine. Something happened out of the ordinary, and it was beautiful.
Lauren, BINGO, that is what i am talking about. You seem to put it better than I ever could.
Lauren, reading that just made my day. I am so so so bad about getting aggrivated whenever something inoppurtune happens when I'm about to go do something fun. So often I get into this view that I have to have things works just like I planned that any difference in the plan throws me all out of whack! So I'll become aggrivated and completely miss what God had planned for ME. I always forget the fact that God has a specific plan designed for ME, and I lose the awesomeness and absolute love that's built into that. The fact that God loves me so much, that not only did He create me, He saved me, and then He said,"My son you can have all the TRUE riches of life, if you'll just follow Me." Which requires letting go of what we know and relying on what God knows, which is sometimes diffifult for me. So another 'million dollar question' I guess is, would the answer to taking in moments be truly putting our trust and lives in God?
David,
I would say that I don't fully rely on God in everything I do. It's just so hard. It's not just hard for me, it's hard for everyone. We all want to be in control. Growing up playing barbie dolls, I always enjoyed making the story up and seeing where Barbie was going to go, what she was going to do for the day, what kind of house she wanted, what style of clothes. It wouldn't be fun if I watched someone else be the one in control. Same with our lives. And it's even harder when you can't see God in control. It's mind-boggling. I think that's a word. lol. I have a problem with letting God be in control. I wish I knew where Barbie was going to college, or what Barbie was going to do for the rest of her life.
Hey guys,
Wow great thoughts. I feel the same way. I tend to think I need to be the one in complete and utter control or something will go utterly wrong. LIke the praise band. I have known for awhile I needed to back off a bit but fought it tooth and nail. Its still a struggle because I want to be the guy. I like your comment about Barbie dolls. Its really is a great cultural insight. Think about it, we are taught and trained to be own own personal god.
Right on, Joshua!!! I DO believe that in our culture we are taught to the "god" of our lives. It's engraved in our human nature to try to be in complete and total control. I am reading a WONDERFUL book right now called "The Search for Significance", and in it there's a chapter dealing with our sense of need to be in control. It states that most of us have a priority list as follows: air, water, food, CONTROL. Reading it over, I quietly chuckled...until it hit me just how ACCURATE that is! Even in my own life, I can see just how much that applies to me. if I don't feel like I am in control i tend to panic...and the thing is, I don't even really realize what im doing until I stop to think about it...then im like "WHOA!! Calm down there, You control addict!!!" LOL.
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