I am coming to a computer screen wanting to develop some composition that will drive people to a deep intellectual place. I fear that all I am doing is grasping at straws and will only become just another Christian trying to sound smart but in reality people see straight through me. I know my limitations and my failures. I look in the mirror every morning at the body that God gave me. It does not take an Einstein to see the imperfections that make me appear more like a “Van Gogh,” than a, “Michelangelo.” I know my brain and where it wanders, I also know what I desire to ponder and think about. I have this battle every day over the person I desire to be and the one that I see in the mirror.
I just want to know where it all comes to completion. Where do the two parts collide and become one congruous entity. When will the person I see in the mirror begin to reflect the person I want to be deep down inside? I have found that I search for that fullness in so many places that a small piece of me begins to reflect more of the people I associate with than the person I truly am. These areas in my life are, friends, family and the church.
Part of my problem is that friendship has been a long hard battle for me. So, when I found someone I could trust I ran into their arms and smothered myself in who they were. I would begin be the reflection of the people I hung around the most. My body language, vocabulary and attitude where formed by the people that I called friends. This led me down many different roads of conformity. I can remember the days I wanted to pierce my tongue and dress gothic because the crew I hung out did those things. I told people for a long time that when I went off to college I would come back something completely different, with all the piercing, hairstyles and clothing that would set me apart, even though I hated that look. I now know that it was all a desire to be welcomed and accepted. What is funny is that after a month into college I chunked most of my dark clothes and began to where the shorts, flip-flops and polo’s that I am so famous for wearing. I have also been through so many backstabbing friends that my back looks like a war zone. Despite the fact that I am male, I hurt, cry and have feelings that pump in and out of me. I now am very careful to not let everyone see who I am. I wouldn’t say I hide behind a mask; I just do not let everyone in to see the deeper parts of me. I spent so much time giving myself away that at times I forgot what I even looked like.
I have never had a hard family life. My family always welcomed me with open arms. I guess that is why I felt the need to hold so much from them. I never wanted to disappoint my family. My parents loved me and showered me with praise for the things I did right, I never wanted to taint their view of me by showing a picture of who I really was. I never lied to my family; I just refrained from telling certain stories and elaborating on details. Some friendships I kept inside because of a fear of the, “You shouldn’t hang out with those kind of people,” speech. I began to reflect this person that fit perfectly in my family. I came to my parents when I hurt and was always blunt with the things I could share. I asked myself many times, “who is the real me?” I always tossed and turned the mirror to decide which reflection I thought was the real me. Sadly, I found that I preferred the shimmer of a false me to the shine of the real.
If I had hours to discuss how the church has shaped me, this blogg would go on for days. I want to present a difference between how the physical church, the people inside the building and the invisible church that encompasses all of those who are in Christ has affected my reflection. The invisible body of Christ has never failed me. It allowed me to be the real person. The true church of God has always been faithful to admit whom it was before it pointed fingers in another direction. The invisible body of Christ is filled with people who are struggling through sanctification and only desire that others experience the joy of grace. In that church, I have always been myself. The physical church drove me to hide inside of myself. There was no forgiveness or grace, no understanding. The physical church has been about the work of God and not God. The Gospel has been distorted into a picture of perfect people seeking a perfect God. This God in return doesn’t change them but pats them on the back and loves them in their legalism. I guess this is why I am more concerned about working with all my brothers and sisters in Christ and not filling one building with a thousand people. Numbers do not dictate health.
I am not bashing any church. I am stating that the church has two sides and both have affected me. In one I could be my forgiven self that wanted to learn of the God who could heal me, change me and make me a new person. In the other, I faked Jesus, played at worship, and reflected a false picture of perfection.
I am tired of feeling like a thousands things being rolled into one. I want to live my life as a whole united front. I know that I cannot point any fingers anywhere but at myself. I know it takes a choice to seek the one who can truly make me whole. That is where prayer, meditation on the word and all the other disciplines come into place. Maybe the problem with me is not my reflection. Maybe the problem is I must quite looking into other people’s mirrors and beginning look to one who will give me a new reflection.
16 comments:
Hey!! I feel like i am really in the same boat as you have been. I have always been stuck between who I want to be and who I am. I try to live my life right in front of people to try to show how I think I should live, but in reality everyone is who they don't want to be. The basic thoughts I have are sins that launch me away on drawn out trips of chronic sin. I wish that I was more like Jesus. Jesus lived perfect, The PERFECT EXAMPLE
P.S. I really Need Help!! Please pray for my friend! I can't say a name, but he/she really needs Jesus! Help please??
I can honestly say that i am able to relate to everything you wrote, Mr. B. I myself have faced the difficult challenge of seeing the real me, under the "perfect" pictures of what others think. We all have a God-given desire to be loved and accepted. I think that some times, though, we sell ourselves short of who we really are in order to fit into that image that others have of us. And whether that image is that of a negitive one, but even that of a possitive one, too, if we abandon who we really are to fit that mold others have set of us, we really do sell ourselves short of who we really are.. And when we find someone who will accept us for who we really are, we are soooo quick to just run to them and attatch ourselves to them because we want so badly to just be accepted for who we really, truly are.
I myself have kept hidden some of my deepest desires and feelings because of the fear of shattering that "perfect" picture others have of me. It really does make you wonder who the real you is..or should be.
I think it’s really interesting that you write such a personal blog, and I really enjoyed reading it. I can really relate to the whole “looking in other people’s mirrors” and trying to alter my reflection to match theirs. I think it’s the draw of today’s society. It’s in the movies, the magazines, the music most listen to, and I think it’s a hard thing to come away from. It gives false hope, that if you could just be this thin, or this dark, or this scary, or this athletic then you’re perfect. When in reality, none of us are perfect, and never can be. I find comfort in the fact that through Christ I can be perfect in God’s eyes. It’s one thing that really gives me hope and happiness. I continually have people that try to drag me down, and tell me that this is settling and putting all my problems in somebody else’s hands. And I never really know how to respond.
Honesty? I decided about a week ago to be blunt in this forum. I want everyone to share and feel that they can be honest. I am tired of hiding. I am human and have emotions and feelings, desires and wants. You have all made excellent points. Here is the question I always ask myself....
"If in Christ we find our perfection, why do I feel the need to hide the most in church settings?" It seems my desire to be more like Christ pushes me to hide more of my reality. Christ is and will only be my one true judge. I guess I have to find that place where I seek His approval alone.
The reason why I think people try to hide themselves in church so much is because i think it's human nature for people to look at the flaws of others to feel better about themselves. If someone sees someone elses sin, they tend to think 'hey I'm better than they are' when in truth they aren't living right either, because if they were living right, they would pray for people instead of gossiping and spreading bad news. In church it seems like it's a matter of who hides their sin the best in these situations. The problem is over time we let things like this wax cold our mindset of how we live our life around people, instead of doing what The Word of God says in JAMES 5:16 - Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.
My own church has problems in this area, and I think every other church does. If we can all at once decide to open ourselves up, and be of one mind and one accord, then the church could become like it is in James 5:16(like it should be). My heart is burdened about this topic. It is a problem that needs to be resolved.
i like how you were open in this...i find sometimes when i am having problems with whatever i tend to hold it in...i dont want to go to people and get help....cuz i dont want them to think that im such a bad person b/c of my past....and i strive so hard to met expectaions some people have for me and i dont want to disappoint them by telling them i did something wrong or that i got a bad grade because then theyll just push me harder.
Amy, it is interesting how even as an adult I receive the same kinds of pressures. I sometimes want to scream to the hill that I am only human. I know that yelling is not the answer but it is definitely how I feel sometimes.
you put this beautifully, josh. I felt like it was my own heart I was reading and it was showing me exactly who I am. I think everyone struggles with this same thing. Who wants their parents to know when they mess up?? That's just an example from my own life....I've always kept my mistakes from certain people who have this perfect little image of me such as my family and the church. I dont want my image getting messed up...i want everyone to think i'm perfect and i never mess up but thats the biggest stinking lie i could ever tell. i've told sheri more than once that i know the thoughts that go on in my head, and i know every little secret in my life and i feel like such a horrible person sometimes. i feel like if anyone knew certain things about me, even if it was just thoughts that run through my brain, they would never want to be my friend, they could never love me. I've wondered before what it must be like to be perfect like sheri...she never messes up...she's so perfect and Godly. I've told her this before and she laughed at me. So...yeah i think this is something everyone deals with, whether they'll admit it or not. i'm not sure why we have to keep such secrets when we all know no one is perfect.
yeah i know what you mean hope....i know the things i think and what ive done and thought about doing....and if people knew that they would look at me differently....and people do....some know or think they know what i used to do....so they have this bad image of me....and even though ive changed adn they see that they still try and say that im the person i used to be....i was thinking about today....like when the poultry festival was here last year i think it started me off on a down hill slope...i was already looking over the edge but it pushed me the rest of the way....and now i see how much i have changed since this time last year....i wish people would forget what i used to be like but i know that wont always happen....i sometimes wish my past wasnt mine that i hadnt really done those things but i think they might have helped me in the long run....like if anyone is having problems like i had i know how to help them because ive been there....and my struggles have been bad and some how i always seemed to right back into them...and i think starting to hang out with better people and the stuff this summer has helped me not to go back there....if it wasnt for this summer i know for a fact that i would be right back where i was last year, going down that slope.
Before I came to Christ... It seemed like everyday I had this empty feeling, as I looked into the mirror and I asked myself is this who I am? And I would begin to become so frustrated because I was buying into everything, and conformity used to be my preaching prompt. And now, a born again believer, I have to say I know who I am now. And I firmly believe the only reason I know who I am is because I now know the Creator. I'll ask this question... Can we truly expect ourselves to know and understand who we are unless we ask our Father? God sees straight through us. He sees through the fronts we put on for other people, and he sees through the front we put on for ourselves. I'll also say that since I've come to know Christ, and I continue to read the Word and study it and just fall on my face and beg God to take me deeper, I don't feel the need for the fronts... I don't feel like I have to be anyone special, because I know I have a purpose, and that's to praise and share God.
My brothers and sisters....I pray for a day that church can become a place of refuge and healing. My problem is that I want to be blunt and tell people who I was and how God changed me but I also don't want to be the topic of next months gossip chain. When can the church become a place of acceptance and trust. Why do we feel the need to play so many games. If all were completely honest and just let things go, we would still fear but everyone would know each other in a deeper way.
I pray for honesty in church and tend to sugar coat what I tell. Fear brings me to my knees.
Hope/Amy
I have cried myself to sleep because of the thought life I cannot seem to shake. I am so afraid that if people saw into my brain, they would look past my heart and only see a blurry reflection of who I don't want to be.
Josh you hit the nail exactly on the head. Hope, Amy, and Josh I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes I can't sleep because I look into a mirror and see this thing, that I don't want to be but cannot take back, and then I think this person who has done these things still gets up there on Wednesday nights and praises God Almighty. Sometimes I just lay on my back and think about the grace that God has given me so freely. But sometimes I also think about this grace that I so freely have thrown around and still do. It's like with salvation, you know you have so you just waste it because you are going to get into Heaven anyways.
Josh you talked about the church. I understood where you are coming from with the physical church, the way people feel you have to conform to it. It's just like the stereotipical baptist, you have to have a three piece suit, and a nice car. When did this show up??? I didn't quite understand what you meant by the invisible church, could you elaborate?
The look and dressing up has been along time developing. It really took hold in the south when there was a move back to Fundamentalism . At first it was a great decision to teach the doctrinal fundamentals of the faith but it led to a ritualistic, pharasitical (spelling?) movement that has adopted works over Grace.
The invisible church is the whole council of the body of believers. This is everyone who has truly received salvation. What I meant in my blog was that those who are not just, "in the church," but are actually being the church are the ones who understand the need to love and not condemn, to show mercy and care for one another.
A few months ago my sister was on the phone with me, and she posed the question. "Do have a Lilia person?" It sounded like a really wierd and silly random question. The problem was after I started thinking about how I acted with her and with my different friends that I do. And it scared the living daylights out of me!! I started thinking about it closly and trying to monitor myself, and makesure I showed the real Alex, but then I started thinking which one is the real me?
I got on tonight, because I had heard yall talking about it one the trip to nac, and you hit the nail right in on head. I have been still pondering the question..I thought I would just say thanks,,
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