Its been a very long time since I wrote anything on this blog. I guess I get into ruts and then I get into laziness and that bleeds into a deep since of, "I don't know what to write," and then it all becomes one giant mess of things. Needless to say, for all those who have forgotten this exist, I will try to be more persistent in posting.
I am really unsure of what to write at the moment. There seems to be so many things that are twirling around in my brain that I forget how to think at times. This summer was an interesting set of events. I don't know how anyone else feels but I seemed to run around from thought to thought and event to event, I never really stopped and enjoyed what the summer offered. I tend to do that in life. I get so locked into looking into the future and making plans that I constantly forget the joy of today. I guess I feel like I did a lot but didn't experience all the things that I truly wanted to experience. It was as if I was a tornado that had a set path and was going to get to my destination despite all the destruction I may bring.
There were moments that I truly enjoyed and moments that I sincerely missed the joy. I loved working on the play but I fear that I was so caught up in getting everything right, scheduling practices, getting set pieces and all the other logistics, that I missed the very people I was directing. I missed deeper relationships. I missed chances to let them speak and me listen. I missed opportunities to share truth and love. I enjoyed MFuge but I was so determined to be respected and so determined to not get run over that I came across, to borrow the term, like a JERK. I got bent out of shape over things that were not a big deal. I yelled, I personally hate yelling, but I did. It's just hard to balance that line between discipline and abuse of power. I would respond to people and then get so mad at myself because I don't want that to be the lasting impression I leave on someone's soul. I had a wonderful intern who I wish I could have invested more in him. "The Snake," as I like to call him, has such vast opportunities, gifts, abilities, and I don't know if I helped him at all. There were days I went home from work and felt like I wasted his whole day. I didn't mean to, maybe I didn't, I just felt like I did.
This is not intended to be a pity party for my weary soul. I tend to over analyze and overly critique myself. That's just a part of who I am. I guess what I am really trying to say is that if we spend our lives focusing on the goal and forget the journey, the achievement of the goal tends to lose its luster. It because tarnished brass that has been beaten on by our focused driven fists.
