I am coming to a computer screen wanting to develop some composition that will drive people to a deep intellectual place. I fear that all I am doing is grasping at straws and will only become just another Christian trying to sound smart but in reality people see straight through me. I know my limitations and my failures. I look in the mirror every morning at the body that God gave me. It does not take an Einstein to see the imperfections that make me appear more like a “Van Gogh,” than a, “Michelangelo.” I know my brain and where it wanders, I also know what I desire to ponder and think about. I have this battle every day over the person I desire to be and the one that I see in the mirror.
I just want to know where it all comes to completion. Where do the two parts collide and become one congruous entity. When will the person I see in the mirror begin to reflect the person I want to be deep down inside? I have found that I search for that fullness in so many places that a small piece of me begins to reflect more of the people I associate with than the person I truly am. These areas in my life are, friends, family and the church.
Part of my problem is that friendship has been a long hard battle for me. So, when I found someone I could trust I ran into their arms and smothered myself in who they were. I would begin be the reflection of the people I hung around the most. My body language, vocabulary and attitude where formed by the people that I called friends. This led me down many different roads of conformity. I can remember the days I wanted to pierce my tongue and dress gothic because the crew I hung out did those things. I told people for a long time that when I went off to college I would come back something completely different, with all the piercing, hairstyles and clothing that would set me apart, even though I hated that look. I now know that it was all a desire to be welcomed and accepted. What is funny is that after a month into college I chunked most of my dark clothes and began to where the shorts, flip-flops and polo’s that I am so famous for wearing. I have also been through so many backstabbing friends that my back looks like a war zone. Despite the fact that I am male, I hurt, cry and have feelings that pump in and out of me. I now am very careful to not let everyone see who I am. I wouldn’t say I hide behind a mask; I just do not let everyone in to see the deeper parts of me. I spent so much time giving myself away that at times I forgot what I even looked like.
I have never had a hard family life. My family always welcomed me with open arms. I guess that is why I felt the need to hold so much from them. I never wanted to disappoint my family. My parents loved me and showered me with praise for the things I did right, I never wanted to taint their view of me by showing a picture of who I really was. I never lied to my family; I just refrained from telling certain stories and elaborating on details. Some friendships I kept inside because of a fear of the, “You shouldn’t hang out with those kind of people,” speech. I began to reflect this person that fit perfectly in my family. I came to my parents when I hurt and was always blunt with the things I could share. I asked myself many times, “who is the real me?” I always tossed and turned the mirror to decide which reflection I thought was the real me. Sadly, I found that I preferred the shimmer of a false me to the shine of the real.
If I had hours to discuss how the church has shaped me, this blogg would go on for days. I want to present a difference between how the physical church, the people inside the building and the invisible church that encompasses all of those who are in Christ has affected my reflection. The invisible body of Christ has never failed me. It allowed me to be the real person. The true church of God has always been faithful to admit whom it was before it pointed fingers in another direction. The invisible body of Christ is filled with people who are struggling through sanctification and only desire that others experience the joy of grace. In that church, I have always been myself. The physical church drove me to hide inside of myself. There was no forgiveness or grace, no understanding. The physical church has been about the work of God and not God. The Gospel has been distorted into a picture of perfect people seeking a perfect God. This God in return doesn’t change them but pats them on the back and loves them in their legalism. I guess this is why I am more concerned about working with all my brothers and sisters in Christ and not filling one building with a thousand people. Numbers do not dictate health.
I am not bashing any church. I am stating that the church has two sides and both have affected me. In one I could be my forgiven self that wanted to learn of the God who could heal me, change me and make me a new person. In the other, I faked Jesus, played at worship, and reflected a false picture of perfection.
I am tired of feeling like a thousands things being rolled into one. I want to live my life as a whole united front. I know that I cannot point any fingers anywhere but at myself. I know it takes a choice to seek the one who can truly make me whole. That is where prayer, meditation on the word and all the other disciplines come into place. Maybe the problem with me is not my reflection. Maybe the problem is I must quite looking into other people’s mirrors and beginning look to one who will give me a new reflection.
