Thursday, October 25, 2007

Whose Your Daddy....Prt. 1


Perpetually I find myself asking questions that I don't know if I, myself, can answer. Last night in CrossWalk I proposed a question that I would like to ponder a bit deeper. I also want to discuss some positives and potential negatives, or road blocks.
In Isaiah 9:6 the coming Christ is referred to as, "Everlasting Father." To me personally this idea has a wondrous tone. My mind is filled with imagery of my childhood and all the things my father has done for me. I have never been disappointed or abused by my father. My dad, whom I refer to as Pops because I can, has been an amazing example of a father. My honest prayer is that one day, when, "Drea," and I have children, I can be half the man my father has been to me. This both excites me and scares me. I don't know if I can live up to what he did. I know he is human and has faults. I have seen some of his faults but the good trumps the bad. I see in my Dad things that I want to be. It is because of that very thought that I am excited about Christ being an, "Everlasting Father," and what brings me to tears.
I don't know about anyone else but I am sometimes terrified about the idea that Christ is my eternal father. It is not because I fear some cosmic paddling. I just don't know how to live up to Christ. I can attempt to be like my earthly father because I know that he will mess up one day and is not perfect but how can I live up to perfection itself? How can I become like divinity? I know the churchy cliche's that tell me that if I read the Bible enough and hug enough people then I will be like Christ. I just think there must be something more to being like Christ. I sincerely want to become like my Dad. I want to teach my kids and love them as he has loved me. As for Christ, I love the idea but tend to carry a defeatist attitude. I guess I assume that there is no way I can be like him, so I opt to not even attempt the impossible. I unfortunately have no answer or cute phrase to make this any better. Just a frustrated heart that fears messing up and having my eternal father shaking his head.
I am going to talk about another part of this issue in a latter addition. This is just the first section of this discussion.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Church.....What is that again?



I was intrigued by the overwhelming comments in the previous blogg. I am so thankful for those of you who are participating in this community of thought. I just got back from a three-day conference on youth ministry. I find it interesting that there are so many philosophies and concepts on how to do church. It seems that we feel the need to have programs and ideas in order to call it church. What I want to know is where do programs stop and people begin to just be. It seems too often we play at this cute idea of church and we never actually become the church itself.
Before anyone takes this too an extreme, I am not attacking or belittling the church. I am not speaking against any church in particular. I believe there are some questions that need to be asked, all Christians need to continually search deep within themselves. I firmly believe that we can have all the bells and whistles and completely forget Christ. We can have the best looking sanctuary and never once have the Lord of Host. I want to know your thoughts on this subject.

How do we become a true Church and not a, Stain-glass Masquerade?

Do me a favor, next Sunday morning, look around at the church and ask yourself some questions…

1. Does this place truly promote openness?
2. Do the actions I display promote worship of Christ?
3. Am I truly loving people in such a manner that God is glorified in this place?
4. Is my heart in such a place that I even want people to come to know Christ?
5. If I were a non-believer, would I want to be in this place?

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Reflections


I am coming to a computer screen wanting to develop some composition that will drive people to a deep intellectual place. I fear that all I am doing is grasping at straws and will only become just another Christian trying to sound smart but in reality people see straight through me. I know my limitations and my failures. I look in the mirror every morning at the body that God gave me. It does not take an Einstein to see the imperfections that make me appear more like a “Van Gogh,” than a, “Michelangelo.” I know my brain and where it wanders, I also know what I desire to ponder and think about. I have this battle every day over the person I desire to be and the one that I see in the mirror.
I just want to know where it all comes to completion. Where do the two parts collide and become one congruous entity. When will the person I see in the mirror begin to reflect the person I want to be deep down inside? I have found that I search for that fullness in so many places that a small piece of me begins to reflect more of the people I associate with than the person I truly am. These areas in my life are, friends, family and the church.
Part of my problem is that friendship has been a long hard battle for me. So, when I found someone I could trust I ran into their arms and smothered myself in who they were. I would begin be the reflection of the people I hung around the most. My body language, vocabulary and attitude where formed by the people that I called friends. This led me down many different roads of conformity. I can remember the days I wanted to pierce my tongue and dress gothic because the crew I hung out did those things. I told people for a long time that when I went off to college I would come back something completely different, with all the piercing, hairstyles and clothing that would set me apart, even though I hated that look. I now know that it was all a desire to be welcomed and accepted. What is funny is that after a month into college I chunked most of my dark clothes and began to where the shorts, flip-flops and polo’s that I am so famous for wearing. I have also been through so many backstabbing friends that my back looks like a war zone. Despite the fact that I am male, I hurt, cry and have feelings that pump in and out of me. I now am very careful to not let everyone see who I am. I wouldn’t say I hide behind a mask; I just do not let everyone in to see the deeper parts of me. I spent so much time giving myself away that at times I forgot what I even looked like.
I have never had a hard family life. My family always welcomed me with open arms. I guess that is why I felt the need to hold so much from them. I never wanted to disappoint my family. My parents loved me and showered me with praise for the things I did right, I never wanted to taint their view of me by showing a picture of who I really was. I never lied to my family; I just refrained from telling certain stories and elaborating on details. Some friendships I kept inside because of a fear of the, “You shouldn’t hang out with those kind of people,” speech. I began to reflect this person that fit perfectly in my family. I came to my parents when I hurt and was always blunt with the things I could share. I asked myself many times, “who is the real me?” I always tossed and turned the mirror to decide which reflection I thought was the real me. Sadly, I found that I preferred the shimmer of a false me to the shine of the real.
If I had hours to discuss how the church has shaped me, this blogg would go on for days. I want to present a difference between how the physical church, the people inside the building and the invisible church that encompasses all of those who are in Christ has affected my reflection. The invisible body of Christ has never failed me. It allowed me to be the real person. The true church of God has always been faithful to admit whom it was before it pointed fingers in another direction. The invisible body of Christ is filled with people who are struggling through sanctification and only desire that others experience the joy of grace. In that church, I have always been myself. The physical church drove me to hide inside of myself. There was no forgiveness or grace, no understanding. The physical church has been about the work of God and not God. The Gospel has been distorted into a picture of perfect people seeking a perfect God. This God in return doesn’t change them but pats them on the back and loves them in their legalism. I guess this is why I am more concerned about working with all my brothers and sisters in Christ and not filling one building with a thousand people. Numbers do not dictate health.
I am not bashing any church. I am stating that the church has two sides and both have affected me. In one I could be my forgiven self that wanted to learn of the God who could heal me, change me and make me a new person. In the other, I faked Jesus, played at worship, and reflected a false picture of perfection.
I am tired of feeling like a thousands things being rolled into one. I want to live my life as a whole united front. I know that I cannot point any fingers anywhere but at myself. I know it takes a choice to seek the one who can truly make me whole. That is where prayer, meditation on the word and all the other disciplines come into place. Maybe the problem with me is not my reflection. Maybe the problem is I must quite looking into other people’s mirrors and beginning look to one who will give me a new reflection.